Hugh Paxton is a prizewinning novelist and journalist with a very individual view of the world. Now, he has agreed to be AZ Magazine’s very own Man in Bangkok. In his first letter to readers in Baku, he introduces us the city.
Hugh: A very good morning to you! Or as we say in this neck of the city, “Sawasdee krap!”
Baku: Where the hell am I?
Hugh: You’re in Bangkok courtesy of the magazine in your hand. My name’s Hugh and I’ll be your guide for today’s morning tour of the capital city of Thailand. To give this sprawling metropolis its correct name takes time, but I’ll do it anyway. Here it comes! “Khrungtep mahkanakon amonratakosin mahintara…”
Baku: Any chance of an executive summary?
Hugh: No chance at all. Stop interrupting! Now, where was I? Ah yes! “Khrungthep mahkanakon amonratakanosin mahinatra ayuthaya mahadilok popnopparat ratchatani burirom udomratchaniwet mahasathan amonpiman avatansathit sakhattaya witsanukamprasit.”
Baku: Meaning?
Hugh: “The Great City of Angels, the Repository of Divine Gems, the Great Land Unconquerable, the Grand and Prominent Realm, the Royal and Delightful City full of Nine Noble Gems, the Highest Royal Dwelling and Grand Palace, the Divine Shelter and Dwelling Place of Reincarnated Spirits.”
Baku: Interesting. Is the rest of this tour going to be like this?
Hugh: I can make no promises. Like what?
Baku: At the moment I’m sitting on a sofa at 5 AM next to a little girl watching Dr. Who and a bunch of Daleks, while you keep nipping out to feed tree frog tadpoles.
Hugh: It’s how we normally start the day in my house. This here’s Annabel. She’s eight years old, a big Doctor Who fan and my daughter. She’s started her own zoo here. And shall be joining us on the tour. God help us!
Annabel: Can you be quiet Daddy! And this Baku guy’s sitting on my hedgehog!
Baku: That’s hardly fair! I’m in Baku!
Hugh: No you are not! Think yourself into this tour! You are here. With us. Sitting on my hedgehog…
Annabel: It’s MY hedgehog!
Hugh: Whatever. Outside heavy rain is pelting the windows and has been doing it virtually none stop for the last three months. Most of the country is under water and there is every possibility that Bangkok will flood later today adding interest to our tour. Aha! Our taxi has arrived! With luck the driver won’t be insane, flying high on crystal meth to help him finish a 48 hour shift, or feeling chatty.
…
Taxi driver (by way of introduction): I have a weak heart. Am I interrupting? I want to be a woman.
Baku: Ermm…
Hugh: We’re in luck! Insane, high AND chatty!
Baku: Are we there yet?
Hugh: You really are new to Bangkok, aren’t you? We’ve only been stuck in traffic for 30 minutes.
(Two hours later)
Baku: Are we there yet?
Hugh: Would that we were. But we aren’t.
Taxi driver: If I was a woman I could entertain you. Women are lucky. Am I interrupting?
Hugh: Yes. May I draw your attention to some interesting features about this taxi to enhance your authentic monsoon flooded Bangkok traffic congestion experience. It has a functioning meter and is cheap. It is powered by gas making it potentially explosive in the event of a major collision, it smells very strongly of garlic and the taxi company’s owner has attached stickers advising patrons of what is, or is not, permissible in his taxi.
Baku: Yes. I was wondering about the stickers. No firearms, no smoking, no eating, no drinking, no dogs, no expulsions of natural gas, yes, they’re straightforward although the last one is a new one on me. But these last three?
Hugh: No durian fruit because they smell like latrines. No copulation because that would be distracting. And no water buffalo. In all honesty I’ve never seen anybody trying to insert a water buffalo into a Bangkok taxi. The guy runs a tight cab.
Taxi driver: I cry watching sad movies.
Baku: Are we there yet?
Hugh: FYI Bangkok has over 60,000 registered restaurants, well over 100,000 pavement food vendors operating mobile stalls, and you can sample cuisine from all four corners of the globe.
Bangkok food stall
Annabel: The Globe’s round and doesn’t have corners. Are we there yet?
Hugh: Et tu Annabelus? No we are not there yet. What’s that in your bag? I hope it isn’t a hedgehog!
Annabel: There aren’t any taxi stickers saying no hedgehogs.
Hugh: There weren’t any stickers saying you can’t take a plastic bag full of maggots to feed your puffer fish on the Sky Train! But they still refused us entry. We had to take a taxi and it took four hours!
Train station exchange
Baku: I used to think Baku was a hardship post. This tour of yours is really putting things in perspective.
Taxi driver: I have no wife.
Hugh: Time’s up! Your morning tour’s over. Thanks for participating.
Baku: That looks like a massage parlour involving fish and young women.
Hugh: My God! Miracle! We’re here! Are we here yet! Yes, Baku! Sharp eyesight! The tour has re-started – we will commence with the fish nibbling feet, we move on to the leg massage and then you can go upstairs.
Dr Fish eats the dead skin on your feet!
Two Hours Later:
Baku: That only cost fifteen bucks and I’ve just been to Heaven.
Annabel: They refused to massage my hedgehog.
Hugh: We don’t want to keep our taxi waiting.
Baku: I’d rate this tour as sub-optimal going on sh..e. Where are we going in the next edition?
Hugh: I shall be showing you Bali in the next edition.
Baku: I’ll be sending my mother in law. She’s been dead for eight years.
Hugh: I know the perfect place for her. There’s a small cove in a volcano crater. They mummify the dead.
Annabel/Baku: Can we go home now?
Two hours later:
Annabel/Baku/Hedgehog/Taxi driver (totally lost), Hugh: Are we there yet?
If you would like to read more by Hugh Paxton visit: http://hughpaxton.wordpress.com/
